Oscillation: Riding the Waves of Grief

     I remember sitting in Death and Dying class in the 1980’s in high school, learning about Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stage theory of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).  As a counseling professional, the past 30 plus years in my career has witnessed a vast change in how we look at the grieving process.  What most lay persons don’t understand is the Kübler-Ross was researching people who were grappling with their own mortality, not focusing on the people left behind after a loss.  Everyone wanted to understand what to expect in the heart wrenching grief process, and a stage model made people think there was a method to the madness.

     As a widow and a therapist, I’m here to tell you that there is a method to the madness of grief.  But there are no stages to complete per se.  And the path absolutely doesn’t follow a straight line.  There’s actually a rhythmic nature in the healing process as you navigate the complexities of loss.  It’s sort of a dance you learn to ride upon the waves.

      Growing up near Lake Erie, it was fun to head out to Presque Isle in the summer and spend time playing in the water.  On most days the waves were about 2 feet tall.  On other days, we were in for a treat and the swells were much higher.  One of the important lessons that us Lake Effect kids learned was how to go along with Mother Nature’s rhythm.  The consequence, if you didn’t, was ingesting a mouthful of seaweed infused lake water, which is not too appetizing.  Coping with grief is kind of like that.  It’s learning to ride the waves.

     Grieving is a dynamic process of oscillation. This concept, central to the Dual Process Model of grief, explains that healthy mourning is not about staying in one emotional state, but about the fluid movement between two distinct worlds: the world of your loss and the world of your continuing life.

     In counseling, I find that the stuckness often associated with Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) usually occurs when this natural rhythm of oscillation is disrupted. When a person drops their anchor, they can become trapped in a singular, overwhelming reality that feels impossible to escape. By understanding how to ride the ups and downs of grief, you can begin to find a path forward that honors your loved one while also allowing you to breathe again (and not take in all that nasty fish water).

Crests and Troughs

     To understand oscillation, you need to understand the two states that people go between. The first is Loss-Oriented Coping. These are the crests, the space where you directly face the reality of the death.  When people are taken up on top of the water, they experience sorrowful yearning, look at old photographs, cry, and are doing the deep, heavy work of emotional processing. It is a necessary and sacred space, but it is also exhausting. If we stay here too long without a break, the weight can become crushing, leading to a sense of total paralysis.

     The troughs are the Restoration-Oriented Coping. This is not about forgetting the person who died (that’s impossible).  It involves dealing with the secondary realities of life after their loss.  When you’re in the troughs you are learning new skills, managing practical tasks, and eventually, finding moments of distraction or even joy. (Yes, joy is still available to you.)  Restoration is the breather from the intense emotional labor of mourning. It allows the mind and body to rest so that they have the energy to return to the loss-oriented work later.

Taking in Fish Water During Prolonged Grief

      Seriously, it’s gross.  Blech!

      In the early days of a loss, oscillation is often erratic. One moment the waves are easy and you’re functional.  Then the winds pick up and the waters get choppy.  You are leveled by a memory. Over time, for most people, this movement becomes more rhythmic and manageable. However, for those experiencing PGD, people get stuck.

      Stuckness frequently manifests as a refusal or inability to move into the restoration pole. A person may feel that any moment spent not mourning is a betrayal of the deceased. They may believe that if they are not in constant pain, they are forgetting the person they loved. This creates a state of chronic, high-intensity distress. Conversely, some people get stuck in the restoration pole, using busyness and distraction as a shield to avoid the pain entirely. In either case, the lack of movement prevents the grief from being integrated into a person's life story.

The ABCDE Model as a Tool for Movement

      This is where the ABCDE model becomes an invaluable tool for unsticking the grieving process. When you feel a sense of paralyzed stuckness, it is often driven by a Belief that prevents oscillation. You might tell yourself, "I can’t enjoy this sunset because they aren't here to see it," or "If I go back to work, I am leaving them behind." These thoughts act as anchors, keeping you trapped in the loss-oriented pole.

      Through Disputation, we challenge these beliefs. We look for evidence that honoring a loved one can coexist with self-care. We argue against the idea that suffering is the only measure of love. By disputing the thoughts that keep the anchor in place, we allow for the Energization needed to step, even briefly, into the world of restoration. This movement does not mean the grief is over.  It just means that the grief is becoming a manageable part of a larger, ongoing life. We truly never get over our grief. We grow around it.

Learning to Ride the Waves

     Healing from PGD is not about reaching a final destination or stage where the pain disappears. It is about reclaiming the ability to move. In our sessions, we work to identify where you’re grief oscillation is stuck and what beliefs are holding it in place. We give you permission to oscillate.  It’s ok to feel the crests and spend time in the deep well of your loss.  It’s also ok to also spend time in the troughs or even on the shore, tending to the life that still requires your presence.

     By learning to not fight the water’s motion, to move back and forth between these two poles, you begin to build resilience. You learn that you can survive the waves of loss because you know how to find the breaks in between. This dynamic rhythm is the foundation the key to moving from a life defined by stuckness to a life defined by meaningful, integrated remembrance.

Read this article about the Stuckness of Grief to learn more about the ABCDE Model.

Gera McGuire, MA, NCC, LMHC, is a specialized mental health counselor serving the Maple Valley and Enumclaw Plateau communities, as well as clients throughout Washington and Montana via telehealth. With advanced clinical training from the Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia University, she provides evidence-based support for those navigating anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, life transitions, and the complexities of 'stuck' grief after a loss.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for therapy.  It is not a guide to diagnose any mental health conditions.  

If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, PGD, PTSD or any other concerning mental health symptoms, please contact Gera to set up an appointment.