Will I Ever See The Sun Again?

The sun never goes away. We just can't see it sometimes.

It’s a slog. Getting out of bed feels impossible because the bed magnet seems to be stuck at a full “10,” day after day after day after day…

Sunlight is annoying. Overcast and rainy feels less abrasive because it’s mirroring your mood.

There’s not a scrap of extra energy left to get anything done. You just don’t have it in you. And it’s only 1:00pm.

What is the actual limit on how many gallons of tears one can cry in a day? Apparently a person can cry themselves dry, you have come to find out.

And sometimes you wish you could cry, but it’s all tamped down - so compacted inside that all you feel is numb.

Does any of this sound familiar?

All Encompassing

I think what people underestimate about grief is that it’s not just a process that the mind needs to traverse through. It’s an experience, a process, that involves the entirety of us.

The day after my husband unexpectedly passed away, I recall trying to bathe my two toddlers, then ages 1 and 3. The wash cloth felt like it weighed 20 pounds; I could barely lift it. When the youngest ran into my arms for a hug later that night, it felt as if I was being electrocuted (stress-induced allodynia). I never experienced that sensation before and thankfully I never have again. By 7:30pm for months and months after, I would start to weep because I had nothing left in me to wrangle my four daughters. “Just. Go. To. Bed.” My entire body was reacting from the grief and trauma for quite awhile after he died.

This is normal.

Grief is not just a feeling in the mind. Our brain is part of our nervous system, a network of nerve endings that emanate throughout our entire body. Body and mind are not separate; they are one.

A life altering situation, loss and grief effect the body. One’s energy level can vacillate between feeling exhausted and oversleeping to insomnia. A racing heart, headaches, indigestion, muscle aches and heaviness, constipation, chest tightness, a heavy sensation in the heart, and a weakened immune system are all triggered by this stress response to loss. Panic attacks and jump starts are not uncommon as are shortness of breath and brain fog. It was impossible for me to subtract for a few months; I struggled with 8 minus 5.

All of this is normal.

All of this upheaval takes time to rebalance and return to a state of calm.

In addition to the above somatic reactions of grief manifesting in your body, Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) comes with some other difficulties of the mind that don’t resolve as easily. The mental health aspect of PGD can be brutal with an almost constant flooding of thoughts regarding your deceased loved one and their passing. Trying to concentrate becomes very difficult. All you want is for your loved one to return. Because of this, daily life is severely impacted as it doesn’t seem like you can get back into the flow of things. Emotional numbness, hopelessness, a lack of interest in things, feeling that life no longer has meaning – all of this inner turmoil makes it very difficult to function.

PGD doesn’t feel like normal grief. About 10% of people who experience grief suffer from (PGD). Because it’s not as common, those who suffer from it feel broken, isolated, and helpless.

I assure you - the sun hasn’t disappeared. You just can’t see it right now. But it’s there.

You will feel better, and although the grief never goes away – our missing them, our wishing they never died – we grow and adapt around the loss.

Someone shared an analogy with me about 18 months into my grief journey that really helped me hold on to hope. They said traveling with grief is like walking in a pitch black tunnel. You just keep going and going forward, not knowing if and when there’s an end. But there is; you just can’t see it yet. Eventually there will be a curve along the path and in the distance, you will notice a pin prick of light. Maybe you laugh. Maybe you didn’t cry for a half a day. Perhaps you said their name and didn’t want to curl up into a ball this time. Slowly, very slowly, you will improve.

The pain and intensity of our grief transforms but grief doesn’t entirely disappear. As your mind learns to accept the loss, it will allow cherished memories to be recalled without overwhelming you. I wish we had a crystal ball to know exactly when those moments of reprieve will happen for you. Everyone’s grief journey is different and there’s no timeline on healing. But they do happen in time.

Signs That Things Are Improving

Recovery from grief is different for everyone. Over time you should notice some changes and signs that indicate yes, you’re moving along in your grief journey.

The sharp pain you had when you first lost them is less intense.
The roller coaster of grief consists of ups of relief with downs of pain. Over time, these become less intense. The good periods will eventually become more frequent.
Your ability to concentrate on things is improving.
You will laugh, experience joy and catch yourself enjoying something. Then you may feel guilty about it. This is a normal part of the healing process.
It’s not uncommon to have triggering times (anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, the date of the death, etc.) and strong emotions can resurface even years later. These “grief bursts” are normal and not an indicator that you’re backsliding.

Seeking Professional Help

If over time the pain is getting worse
If it’s difficult to function and get back into the routine of accomplishing daily life activities such as taking out the trash, eating, grocery shopping, taking a shower, getting laundry done, going to work/school, etc.
If you’re not engaging in self-care like showering and brushing your teeth
If you’re experiencing continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness
If you wish you were dead, too, yearning to be with your loved one in death

If any of this is something you can identify with, I encourage you to please contact a mental health professional who is familiar with grief work.

Things That Can Help

Talk. Share your feelings with people you trust like family, friends, clergy, grief counselor. Reach out to others for support.
Join a grief support group. It’s helpful to hear how others who are a little ahead of you in their journeys are managing through their grief. Support groups are a place where other people “get it” gather to share and comfort each other. Attendees understand the common experiences, thoughts and feelings during recovery from loss.
Acknowledge your feelings as valid. We don’t get to choose our feelings. Don’t judge them. It’s ok to be angry, relieved, scared, questioning, bereft, all of it. Take time to reflect on your experience and journal it.
Give your deep emotions a physical release. Walk.
Be patient with the process. I know. This is rough. Grief isn’t a linear journey. It’s filled with stretches of relief and really hard times. It can be unpredictable. It’s going to take time but it will improve and be manageable.
Remember: You are not alone.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be used to diagnose or treat grief or prolonged grief disorder. If you or someone you care about is struggling after experiencing the loss of a loved one, please reach out to a qualified mental health provider who specializes in grief. Support can make a positive impact.