When An Ex Velcros To Your Friends And Family

    She is so nice.  The ideal homemaker.  Such an amazing cook! The humble volunteer at church.  So thoughtful with gifts and cards.  That's who the world sees, but you were painfully aware that inside the house, a different face appeared.  Other people couldn't see what you could and sometimes you second guess yourself.  Was she all that bad?  Yes.  No?  Maybe?....

     After the divorce, she stayed connected with your family members and friends on social media. The Instasnaps, the Pinterestestes, the Faceposts.  Subtly, she used her digital posts to sway opinions of the family members of her ex (you) as part of her revenge for leaving her – a covert type of smear campaign.

Flying Monkeys

     Sometimes, unwittingly, family members, friends, and mutual acquaintances can be used by your ex as flying monkeys to do her dirty work.  Just like The Wicked Witch of the West used flying monkeys to do her bidding in "The Wizard of Oz," narcissist abuse can covertly extend its reach to you through others.

     In an effort to reconcile, your ex may leverage the support of your friends and family to try to convince you that leaving her is a bad idea.  “She really loves you,” and, “She really misses you,” are arrows of guilt aimed at breaking your boundaries.  This is called Third Party Hoovering and is an attempt to suck you back in like a vacuum cleaner, back into the relationship or at least to prevent you from moving on peacefully.  Family members and friends do not understand the personal dynamics between you and her.  They think they’re trying to help save a marriage or partnership, but what they’re actually doing is encouraging a toxic relationship to be maintained.

      The velcro may not be an attempt at reunificaiton, but one of maintaining emotional control over you.  Not realizing, your loved ones may be used as spies, reporting back to your ex about your new relationships, how your career is going, where you settled down.  It’s wrapped up like being concerned about you, but really it’s an effort to monitor your life so she has a foot in the door without direct contact.  A quiet advantage may occur because you may not even realize that they are talking to one another, and vulnerable details may be delivered to your ex on a silver platter.

      Another way flying monkeys are used is an effort to create triangulation and isolation.   Your ex may tell your loved ones half-truths or complete lies to make you look like the villain.  By poisoning your family’s perception of you, your ex isolates you from your support group.  If you are unaware of this secret alliance, the result may leave you feeling betrayed. “It’s just a text,” and, “We’re just being nice,” are downplays minimizing the impact it has on you.  Consequently you may experience gaslighting and/or feeling abandoned by those you trust most.

      A really mean thing that can happen is when your ex attempts to destroy your reputation with an outright smear campaign.  Flying monkeys like and trust your ex and start to defend her.  “Poor Renee.  She didn’t deserve such treatment. You guys were such a great couple.”  By staying quietly involved, your ex can play the role of the humble, misunderstood victim who “just loves your family so much.”  Over time, your friends and family may come to think that you were the problem in the relationship since your ex seems so nice and reasonable.

      When outsiders from your family and friend system see how your ex remains connected to your family, it “proves” to them that your ex was the reasonable one and convinces them that you were the problem.  This can force you to be in a position where you feel that you have to constantly explain yourself to your own relatives.

      I’ve seen when ex’s use this dynamic to have an emergency gateway, a bridge to force her way back into a person’s orbit.  Waiting for a family crisis, she will reappear as the heroine and the family responds with gratitude. It's another way to stay attached to the family system in an attempt to have emotional influence over you.

      Most of the time, family members and friends do not realize that they’re being used by your ex.  Typically ex’s who do this have a public-facing charming persona and people think of them as a good person, not privy to the persona you see inside the home.  Some family members are conflict averse and are attempting to keep the peace by interacting with her, unknowingly enabling mistreatment.  Many people are susceptible to this type of manipulation because the ex has a victim narrative that taps into empathy in addition to the loyalty bonds of connection.

Digital Triangulation Using Family Members

      When your ex posts provocative, adventurous, sympathy-garnering, or romantic content to trigger you through social media, it is a calculated tactic known as digital triangulation.  It’s designed to create a sense of artificial competition, making her appear as if she is having a wonderful life and/or highly sought after while forcing you into a state of insecurity and emotional distress by using others to communicate that information to you.  She may use it to tap into your sympathies and unresolved issues.  

      To fuel her ego, your ex is reliant upon your attention to validate her power over your emotions.  Even a negative reaction from you or a family member inquiring about her new, fun life is fuel for her.  Covert hoovering is an attempt to get you back into her orbit by making her the center of your thoughts.  She’s not necessarily trying to get you back into a relationship; she just wants the power of knowing that you’re thinking of her.

      By staying connected to your family through social media, (Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.) she knows that even if you block her, your family might see her posts and inadvertently mention them to you, successfully delivering her messages and updates about her life.  She doesn’t want to relinquish emotional control and influence over you.

What You Can Do

• Starve her of the attention that she’s seeking.  Block (not just mute) her on all platforms.  If you lurk and check in on her, you’re falling prey to her manipulation and thwarting your healthy recovery from a toxic relationship.
• Create a social media sanctuary with a clean feed.  Unfollow any mutual friends or family members who post about her or share her content.  Your digital space should not be a minefield.
• Grey rock your information flow.  Stop sharing personal information with your family as they are the link.  Treat them as unintentional messengers for her surveillance.  Gray rocks are boring and uninteresting.
• Communicate to your family clearly and calmly something like this: “I’m moving on from Ex and for my own peace, I don’t want to hear anything about Ex no matter what she posts or who she is with.”  If they ignore the boundary, you may need to distance yourself from them temporarily.
• Don’t react or retaliate.  As tempting as it may be, just don’t do it.  Even a subtle reference on your socials or to your family and friends signals to her that her plan is working.  Silence is your most powerful weapon because it communicates to her that her life no longer has any impact upon yours.
• Set boundaries about your information.  A continued relationship with an ex affects you.  Let your family member know honestly how it does.  Ask them to please not share your private information or invite the ex to occasions where you will be present.
• Anything your ex hears about you can potentially be used against you.  It’s important to ask your family members to keep a limit on the information flow.  If you suspect that your ex is quietly still around, you may need to adopt a need-to-know basis for information sharing with your family.  Treat them as potential accidental flying monkeys, not necessarily malicious but compromised nonetheless.
• If family members continue to have a relationship with her, emulate a boring, gray rock.  Appear unbothered if they mention her because when your feathers get ruffled, that feeds the drama.  Redirect conversations or disengage.  Keep interactions boring and minimal if necessary.  By making it less rewarding for others to bring her up in conversation, it can potentially reduce your exposure to unwanted updates.

The best response is a life well lived.  Focus on yourself and this will disengage you from her efforts at manipulating you.  Reclaim your peace in a life that has nothing to do with your ex.

Healing

      A key ingredient to healing from this type of emotional manipulation is to educate yourself about the tactics of a narcissist.  Understand the motivation for her connection with your friends and family, which is typically a need for control or a resentment from the breakup.

      Practice radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance is acknowledging something painful without trying to fight it, judge it, or wish it were different.  Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is what we add to pain when we refuse to acknowledge reality. Let go of the urge to clear your name.  Trying to convince your loved ones of you ex’s manipulative behaviors can sometimes be counterproductive. 

      Trust the long game.  Over time, your friends and family will see through her façade.  Your consistent healthy behavior will speak for itself.

      Understand that by checking social media for her activity, you are feeding an addictive dopamine loop.  Your searches on social media for the information can add a layer of paranoia as you become a detective in your own drama.  Commit to a cold turkey no contact rule to allow your emotions and mental state to stabilize. Every time you click or check, you make the addictive neural pathways stronger and more difficult to disengage, keeping you spinning 24/7.  If this checking is something you struggle with, I recommend that you learn about dopamine loops here.  It would be helpful for you to work with a mental health professional to break the unhealthy cycle. 

      Redirect your energy back to yourself.  Post traumatic growth can be some of the most beneficial for people.  Become active in your wellness.  Take up new interests and hobbies independent of your past relationships or the family dynamics.  Create a space that is totally yours.

      Extricating from a relationship with a narcissist can be difficult.  If you are struggling with this, please find a qualified mental health therapist who understands this type of situation.  Getting education and support is crucial as you reclaim boundaries and go forward in your healing.

Disclaimer:  This article is not intended as a substitute for therapy.  If you are experiencing a divorce or separation from a narcissist, it’s my recommendation that you seek professional mental health support.