Supporting Those With Prolonged Grief

     Grief is a natural response to loss.  It doesn’t have a time limit, but it does change over time.  Gradually we find ways to accept the reality of the loss and restore our own capacity for wellbeing.  The way grief manifests in our lives changes but it will always be there in some form.  This is called integration.

     The loss of a loved one can be one of the most stressful experiences we ever have.  In addition to the loss, additional stresses can pile on. Those in grief may experience loneliness in a world without their loved one, even a loss of sense of self – no longer a caregiver, no longer a spouse.  A person may not feel that they belong and matter in the world, their identity having been tied to the deceased.  Some individuals undergo uncontrolled emotionality or emotional unavailability, feeling their feelings in grand ways or unable to feel at all.  Family dynamics may also change without the presence of the loved one and dynamics outside of family can, too.  Feelings of exclusion from social groups may happen.  And new responsibilities may now fall onto the griever’s shoulders without the presence of their loved one.  In addition to grief, the ripple effects of loss can be cumbersome. 

     Grief takes energy and active effort to manage.  Those who are adjusting to a post-loss world must learn how to both confront the grief and also how to set it aside to function in the world they live in.  This adaptation takes time and isn’t fully in one’s awareness. It’s not always smooth or easy.

     Coping is how one bears pain and manage stress.  As they adapt, grief quiets down and moves to a lesser prominent place in the mind, no longer all consuming.  Daily functioning improves.

For those with Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD), adapting to loss is derailed.  Accepting the reality of the loss is thwarted with thoughts and behaviors that get in the way from restoring a sense of purpose and meaning in life. 

     Feelings of no longer belonging and mattering in this new world, without the possibility of happiness ever happening again, overtake and debilitate.  A person with PGD avoids reminders of the loved one as they cause what feels like unbearable distress.  What used to be easy to accomplish in every day life feels impossible and overwhelming.  A person with PGD is functionally impaired.

     A key component to successful treatment of PGD is creating a support system around the person who is struggling.  If you are able to be there for someone struggling, you may not know what to do because their pain appears so immense and impenetrable.  You can make a difference, merely by being present along their journey towards healing.  They will know that they are not alone. 

How to Show Up for Someone with PGD

1. Be consistently present.  PGD is a very lonely, isolating condition.  Knowing that someone out there sees you and cares can make a huge difference in healing.
2. Listen.  Quietly, non-judgmentally, without interrupting or giving unsolicited advice.
3. Offer practical help.  Instead of saying “How can I help you?” or “Do you need anything?” offer specific help like “Can I run those errands for you?” or “I’m bringing over dinner on Sunday.”
4. Regularly check in.  Support tends to drop off a few months after the loved one has passed.  Make a point of regular contact.  Texts, cards, and calls on important dates like anniversaries and birthdays show that the loved one isn’t forgotten.  Someone else is validating the loss, too.
5. Validate their experience.  Don’t avoid using the loved one’s name.  “It’s just not the same without Bob here.  I miss him.”  Don’t use platitudes like, “They aren’t in pain anymore,” or “God has one more angel looking down on you.”
6. Support healthy habits.  Gently encourage nutritious food, drinking water, movement, and restorative sleep. 
7. Do not pressure them to “get over it” or say that it’s time to “move on.”  Grief is not a linear process.  Things will improve in time.  But it’s going to take time.  Be patient.
8. It’s not your job to fix it.  Your goal is to bear witness to their pain.  Healing is a process that occurs within an individual and it takes time. 

     If you are struggling to help someone who is struggling, perhaps even feeling burnt-out, this can happen.  Pain is exhausting.  Many caretakers come into therapy for support.  Get in touch with me and let’s find a time to meet. 

     If your loved one is struggling, therapy with a counselor trained in the treatment of PGD can help.  If your loved one is expressing suicidal thoughts and feelings, it is imperative they receive intervention immediately.  If you believe they are at imminent risk, call 911.

Disclaimer:  This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy.  If you or a loved one are struggling with grief or depression, help is available.  Please contact a qualified mental health professional.