Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Considerations about divorce

Mary* came into my office looking for answers to questions which had plagued her for months and months. Perhaps years. “Should I get a divorce?” A common question for many therapists, we are glad that people seek us out with such a major life contemplation. The decision to end a marriage is such a deeply personal process, there’s no easy answer to it.

I know this frustrates people because they want quick advice to a burning question that is painful to hold. What a good therapist should do is lead you through a discernment process so that you can make an informed decision with clarity and peace.

How common is divorce?

At present in the United States, approximately 1 million divorces occur annually with women initiating 69%-75% of them. In 2024, the divorce rate was 14.2 divorces per 1000 married women and it was estimated that 40% of first marriages would end in divorce with the median length of a first marriage as 8 years.

The risk of divorce increases with subsequent marriages; 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. While overall rates of divorce are falling, the divorce rates for adults aged 50 and older have more than doubled since 1990, with the rate for those over 65 nearly tripling.

Why do people divorce?

The most common reasons are incompatibility, infidelity, and money issues. The good news is that these are areas that couples can work on to improve their relationship.

Can people become more compatible?

Yes. Compatibility is not a fixed state.

By developing shared goals, improving communication skills, and adjusting their behaviors to align with their partner’s needs, these deliberate changes, which include increasing compromising and increasing self-awareness, can potentially overcome incompatibility.

I really like this person and want to be married to them, but the divorce rate for third marriages is very high. I would like us to be the exception to the rule. Any suggestions?

According to sociologists, certain groups of people have higher success rates at staying married.

Those with at least a bachelor’s degree have significantly lower rates than those without a high school diploma.
Couples who marry between the ages of 28 and 32 are currently more likely to stay together than those who marry younger or much older.
Couples with a combined annual income of over $125,000 are 51% less likely to divorce than those earning $25,000 or less.
Couples who regularly attend religious services together are nearly 50% more likely to remain married than those who do not.
People who’s personalities are high in agreeableness and conscientiousness and low in neuroticism report the highest levels of relationship satisfaction and stability.

How To Build Compatibility

Align your future goals. Couples who agree to work on finances, faith and children have a significantly higher probability of staying together.
Be emotionally responsive. Turning towards your partner’s bids for attention by actively listening is a powerful protective factor against divorce.
Master conflict skills. Marriages don’t fail because of fighting, but rather by how they fight and repair.
Maintain the “Magic Ratio.” Successful couples aim for at least 5 positive interactions like physical touch or eye contact for everyone 1 negative interaction during a conflict.
Nurture the friendship. Prioritizing regular date nights is associated with a 56-114% increase in marital happiness. Aim for weekly date nights.

Key Warning Signs

Relationship experts often suggest evaluating specific behavioral patterns and your own emotional state to gain clarity. A combination of these persistent patterns often indicates a marriage is in serious trouble:

Destructive Communication: Experts from the Gottman Institute identify four major predictors of divorce: Criticism (attacking character), Contempt (disrespect/mocking), Defensiveness (avoiding responsibility), and Stonewalling (shutting down).
Emotional Disconnect: You feel like roommates rather than partners, lack physical or emotional intimacy, or feel a sense of relief when your spouse is away.
Irreconcilable Differences: You have fundamental misalignments on major life goals, such as having children, financial management, or core values.
The 4 A's: Situations involving Adultery, Abuse(physical or emotional), Abandonment, or Addiction are primary reasons for divorce, especially if the behavior is unrepentant.

Critical Questions for Self-Reflection

Before making a final decision, consider these questions to assess if the relationship is salvageable:

Have you both put in 200% effort? Saving a marriage requires two willing participants. If only one person is trying, the relationship may not survive.
Is this a temporary crisis? Evaluate if your unhappiness is due to external stressors like job loss or grief that may pass.
Do you still see a future together? If you can no longer imagine a future with your spouse or look forward to shared experiences, it may be a sign of a fundamental break.
Are you safe? If there is physical or severe emotional abuse, your priority should be safety. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for confidential support.

Next Steps to Consider

Professional Help: Consult a marriage counselor or therapist to facilitate communication before deciding.
Trial Separation: This can provide breathing room to see if living apart clarifies your desire to stay or go. Therapists can help you structure what a separate looks like so you can make productive use of your time.
Legal Consultation: Speak with a family law attorney to help you understand the financial and logistical realities of divorce in your state.

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling but I’m glad to know that you’re seeking information in your discernment process. The decision isn’t made lightly and is a stressful contemplation. Finding professional support during this delicate time can be helpful to gain insight.

*Name and details changed to protect anonymity.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for therapy. I recommend that you further explore the topic and nuances of your situation with a qualified mental health professional during your search for answers.