Navigating Relational Dyssynchrony 
After Shared Traumatic Loss

     Grief is often described as a journey though we rarely talk about how lonely that journey feels when the person walking right next to you seems to be on a completely different path. In my work with loss I have found that the hardest part is not just the absence of the loved one. It is the sudden and confusing distance that grows between survivors. While we might expect a shared tragedy to act as a glue that binds people together it can instead create a painful gap known as relational dyssynchrony. Understanding this phenomenon is essential for anyone navigating the wreckage of a shared loss.

     It had been two years since John* and Anita* lost their teenage daughter Amanda*. To the outside world, Amanda was a star. She was a straight A student and an athlete with her whole life ahead of her. To her parents, she was simply the center of their world. When a tragic accident took her life, it did not just leave a hole in their family. It felt like it knocked the earth off its axis. As they sat in my office, they were more than grieving Amanda. They were grieving the relationship they used to have. They were experiencing relational dyssynchrony, which means they were deeply in love but grieving at entirely different speeds.

     John had gone back to work almost immediately. He stayed busy and managed the bills and kept the household running. For John, staying active was his way of honoring his responsibility to his family. It was his way of surviving. Meanwhile, Anita was more focused on her internal world. Her grief was outward. She needed to talk and cry and sit in the stillness of the room Amanda left behind. Because Anita did not see John crying she worried he was becoming cold. Because John saw Anita struggling so visibly, he felt a crushing pressure to fix her pain. This only made him want to retreat further into his work.

     While two people may lose the same individual they have lost entirely different relationships. A mother grieving a child has a different void to fill than a father or a sibling. Their memories and shared future plans and roles in the life of the person who passed were unique. Expecting another person to match your specific depth or expression of pain can lead to profound disappointment.  I tell all my couples that "expectations" is a dangerous word for relationships. Grief does not follow a linear path. One survivor might experience a surge of energy wanting to socialize at the exact moment the other is spiraling back into despair. When survivors are out of step the person struggling with Prolonged Grief Disorder may feel judged or rushed. This perceived lack of support can cause a person to withdraw to protect their connection to the deceased.

      John and Anita were eventually able to find their way back to each other by using what I call “grace and space." They began to acknowledge aloud that their different rhythms did not mean one person cared less than the other. John realized that the tears Anita shed were not a demand for him to fix anything. She just needed him to witness her pain. Anita realized that the busy nature of John was not a lack of feeling. It was his way of keeping their world from collapsing. Simply saying that they were both hurting but carrying it differently lowered the defensive walls between them.

     Something I encourage all couples to do is find additional forms of emotional support outside of the marriage. This allows the relationship to remain a place of refuge and a soft landing rather than a place where both people feel they have to be the expert on the pain of the other. Leaning on a grief support group or a professional counselor reduces the pressure on the relationship. In therapy we help people understand that healing involves both processing the trauma and walking forward into a life after the loss. Both types of work are necessary and can happen at different times for each person.

     If this distance has led to emotional silence or persistent anger or a total inability to function for more than a year, then it is time to consult a specialist. Specialized therapies for Prolonged Grief Disorder are designed specifically to address the barriers to natural grieving. No one should have to navigate the long shadow of loss alone, especially when the person they love is standing right next to them in the dark. By naming relational dyssynchrony we take the first step toward finding a new shared rhythm in a changed world.

*Names and details were changed to protect the identity of the individuals

Disclaimer:  This article is for informational purposes only and not intended as a substitute for therapy.  If you and your partner or family member are experiencing grief, please contact me to set up an appointment.