Boundaries

We all have them.  They’re the invisible lines we set up regarding our individual limitations and choices.  Inside these lines are "what is me" and "what I'm responsible for."  These lines are reflective of our self-worth, what we feel comfortable with, and what we need in order to feel whole and peaceful.

We set boundaries around:

• Our time
• Our bodies
• Our words
• Within relationships
• Our needs

What is outside of those boundaries in not our responsibility, not our property, and not for us to control.  To have a healthy relationship with anyone, we need to establish clear and healthy boundaries for ourselves and to respect and honor the boudaries of others.

What IS our responsibility is for our own:

• feelings
• attitudes
• behaviors
• personal responsibilities
• choices
• values
• limits on others and on ourselves
• resources
• thoughts
• wants, goals and dreams
• how we give and respond to love
• bodies

Boundaries are developed early in childhood.  We learn from caregivers the limits of our rights and autonomy.  These parameters teach us how to:

• manage feelings
• give and receive
• ask for what we need
• offer opinions and input
• self-care
• assert "no"
• act as if you are deserving/how to show up for yourself

Know Your Boundaries

In order to know what your limits are, you’re going to need to do some reflecting. 

1.  Identify your needs.
2. Decide what your limits are and how firmly set they are in stone.
3. Identify your triggers because these clue you in to your limits.
4. Get into therapy to help you discuss more about what healthy boundaries look like.

Communicate Your Boundaries

I often see people who are resentful of others who can’t anticipate their needs.  “Did you tell that person what you needed?” I ask.  Most of the time, the response I get is, “No.”

Sometimes people don’t set clear boundaries because they grew up not having their boundaries respected or even understanding that they had the right to set boundaries. Some people were hurt when they tried to assert their needs and learned to be overly accomodating to others in order to keep the peace. 

When this happens, people may not feel comfortable asserting themselves.  Some don’t even realize that they’re allowed to say “no.”  They often don’t feel comfortable asking for what they need and sometimes have a very difficult time identifying it. "How do I set boundaries?" people often ask me.

First, you need to figure out your needs.  Then determine what your boundaries are in order to communicate them.

Here’s some guidelines for expressing your boundaries in a respectful and clear way.

1. Use “I” statements and be very specific about how you feel and what you need.
2. Be compassionate and assertive.  Sometimes others won’t like your boundaries and that’s ok. 
3. Learn how to say “no.”  Realize also that “no” can be a complete sentence, without droning on into detail why.   

If it’s challenging for you to assert yourself, practicing this in therapy can help.  A skill borrowed from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy gives us a template for clear, assertive communication.  It’s called DEAR MAN.  Your therapist can go over it with you and show you how to apply the principles in conversation. 

Reinforce Your Boundaries

Sticking to the limits you’ve set can be challenging.  Some people feel pressured into caving in.  Others don’t like conflict.  Others aren’t sure of what they want.  There are numerous reasons why it’s difficult to keep up boundaries, but it’s our job to

• Stay firm and consistent with your boundaries or your “no” will translate to “perhaps.”
• Decide on the consequence of a boundary infringement and follow through with it.  If you say you’re going to walk away, do so.
• Be ready for some pushback.  No one likes change, and they’re used to you being the way you used to be.  Respond respectfully and assertively.
• Decide the best course may be to walk away or stop communicating. 

Take Care of You

The only person who will stay with you for the rest of your life is yourself.  You’ve been entrusted with this precious person who deserves love and respect.  So, take good care of yourself.  Remember:

• You cannot draw from an empty well.  Self-care is not selfish.
• You are not responsible for others’ feelings or actions.  They are.  Don’t shoulder the blame for their discontent.
• No one can make you feel a certain way.  People may be able to influence you, but your feelings are a result of many factors.  When you believe that others are the cause of your feelings, you are giving your power away - victim mentality.
• You can be "informed" by others behaviors rather than being "affected" by them.  You do not have to react or be controlled by others' words or behaviors.  You can observe then choose how to respond.
• You can express your feelings and ask to be understood, heard and acknowledged.  You do not need others to determine if your feelings are valid.  Your feelings stand on their own merit and every time you express them, you validate them yourself.
• If people do not respect your boundaries, you have the right to limit or cease contact with them. 

You’ll know when your boundaries are being honored when you feel respected, considered and loved.

"R.E.S.P.E.C.T.  Find out what it means to me!" - Aretha

Disclaimer:  This article is not intended as a substitute for therapy.  It’s for informational purposes only.  If you are struggling with relationships, please contact a qualified mental health professional.