Traveling Through Grief

I was barely able to do basic math let alone understand what my therapist was telling me.  (Yes, therapists see therapists.  It's a must.)

She sat back in her swivel chair and crossed her arms.  "Gera, you have to go through it."

"But I am going through it," I tossed back.  "Every day I am going through this pain.  How do I feel ok again?"

My husband passed away at 44.  I was 39.  He was the love of my life and snatched unexpectedly and way too early.  

She looked at me and repeated her wisdom, slower.  "You just have to go through it."

I was getting irritated with her, irritated at myself for not expressing myself adequately.  "But I am going through it," I said, leaning forward on the couch.  "It's painful and I can barely think.  I think I've lost half of my I.Q., which scares the heck out of me.  I need to work.  I need to take care of my kids."  My eyes started to well with tears.  I was in so much pain, it was bursting through.

I asked her if there were books, articles, a retreat, journaling prompts - anything.  I even allowed her to hypnotize me.  I was desperate to escape the pain and debilitating effects of grieving.  

"Numb." I broke down and bawled.  She passed me a box of tissues.  "I've started praying to God to just give me numb.  I don't want joy.  I know happiness is a long ways away.  I just need to function.  Please.  Please help me escape this pain."

Probably a bit irritated with me, a lotta bit patient and compassionate, my therapist expressed herself a bit more accurately.  "Gera.  There's no way to fast-track this.  You just have to go through it."

It took me three sessions to dig through what the heck this meant.  That's how brain fried I was.  Nothing was computing.  Over fifteen years out, I now understand what she meant. 

Grief is a journey of its own making.  We're not in control of it. 

There are no magic tricks that will give us relief.  Healing is a function of time.  We must go through the painful time, the new experiences, the uncomfortable adjustments.  We have to relearn who we are in a world without them.  Rework our dreams.  Change how we live our lives.  Rethink how we view life, examine our purpose here, challenge our expectations and assumptions.  God gets an earful.  All of this takes time.  Although our grief never leaves us, over time, we adapt and learn how to carry it.  My eyes opened up after grief - so many people silently were carrying their grief, several steps ahead of me on their journeys.  If they could go on to have normal-ish lives, there was hope for my healing, too.  I had to be patient with a painful process.  I had to go "through."

If you're struggling with grief, please get in touch with me to set up an appointment.  You're not in this alone.  Think of me as a grief sherpa.  I'm here to walk through some of your steps with you.  

Through.