Narcissism

 

"Look at me!  Look at me!  Look at me now!  It's fun to have fun, but you have to know..."

that I'm amazing, aren't I?

 

Narcissism is a hot buzz word all across social media right now.  People have a tendency to become armchair counselors and come in to my office with the confident pronouncement of, "I was watching this reel and I think my partner is a Narcissist."  It's good that they're recognizing boundaries and disrespectful traits.  It's not good that they're potentially labeling people with a personality disorder.

 

So for the sake of this discussion, here's my disclaimer.  I'm going to ask you not to diagnose your partner or family members or friends.  Leave that to us professionals.  For the sake of this discussion, I'm going to educate you about the trait of narcissism, what that means, and how to cope with it.  If you want to deep dive into this further, you need to do that with a qualified therapist.  Not AI.  Not Dr. Google. Not TicketyTok-InstaSnap-YouFace-BookTube.  Although this is an attempt at giving you some general information about narcissism, this article is not a substitute for therapy.  Every person, situation, and dynamic has its own unique nuances.  Email me and make an appointment. 

 

Ok, ready?  Here we go.

 

In Greek mythology, Narcissis was a hunk.  So much so that when he saw his reflection in a pool of water, he was entranced and fell madly in love with his reflection.  He was so obsessed, in fact, that he couldn't pull himself away from the pool and eventually died of thirst.  

 

Narcissism is defined as "the excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance."   If someone's so focused on themselves that they don't have empathy, interest or concern for you, then it sounds like things aren't very healthy between you and you may be in a relationship with someone who has some narcissistic traits.

 

Realizing You’re In An Unhealthy Relationship

 

Sometimes people become trapped in unhealthy, unbalanced relationships.  They try to be empathetic about why their unhealthy partner is the way they are.  At some point, enough can become enough and the healthy decision is to extricate.

 

When one partner does all the giving, and the other does all the taking, we start to talk about the traits of empathy and narcissism.

 

Narcissism lies on a continuum for all of us.  Who doesn’t like feeling special or enjoy being praised?   A certain amount of confidence is healthy and can lead to ambition and resilience.  Self-esteem is a good thing and everyone needs to feel loved and validated.

 

Some individuals are more narcissistic than others.  Some, we would say, have “narcissistic traits.”   Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who never asks you how you are and all they want to talk about is themselves?  Or what about that person who has to one up you when you do get some air time to share about yourself.  “Oh, yes, I can totally relate because when I…” they say, and off they run with the spotlight.  They have a difficult time letting other people shine.

 

Just because someone has these traits does not necessarily mean that they fit the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   What is adaptive?  What’s healthy?  What’s problematic?  What’s outright toxic?  Does that person have insight into what they need to change?  Are they capable of empathizing with others?

 

A relationship's unhealthy dynamics can confuse and distort your perception of what is normal, making it hard to recognize negative patterns like manipulation, control, and disrespect that undermine your well-being.   Working with a trained therapist who understands the dynamics of unhealthy relationships can help you along your journey.

 

 

What Narcissism Is Not

 

All of us become preoccupied with our own thoughts and feelings at times, especially when the pain or stress in our lives asks for our attention.  Sometimes we lose focus on what is going on around us, but we continue to be capable of genuine empathy.  When an individual’s capacity to handle life diminishes, so does their ability to care well for others.  This is not a lack of empathy.  This is some level of survival.  None of us operate as perfect human beings.  Periods of preoccupation lead to personal growth and healthy individuals never lose the mindset that others matter in addition to themselves.

 

A person who is not a narcissist will strive to make things better in a relationship by changing their behavior on a consistent, other’s centered, genuine level.  They will take accountability for their mistakes even when receiving criticism.  They are humble and modest. They value self-improvement and aim to learn from their mistakes instead of projecting their insecurities on others.  They are not entitled.  Their moral compass is consistent.  They’re respectful of your feelings and your boundaries.  They’re good listeners.

 

 

Different Types of Narcissism

 

There are two main official categories of narcissism: grandiose and vulnerable.  Unofficially, you may hear talk about some themes or varieties of those two subtypes.  Narcissism can look very different from person to person.

 

Covert narcissism isn’t so blatant.  It looks more like someone who doesn’t seek attention through grandiosity but rather is a subtler variety.  They tend to play the victim, sulk, give the silent treatment, and use passive aggressive tactics and emotional withdrawal to get their needs met.  This makes it more difficult to identify because on the outside, they appear sensitive.  The sad part is that since the manipulation is subtle, you might not even realize what’s going on until after the damage is done.

 

Overt narcissists are obviously selfish and disregarding of others’ feelings.  When people think of narcissism, this is the most classic flavor of them all.  They are excessively admiring of themselves and love being the center of attention. 

 

Exhibitionistic narcissists have to be the life of the party and go to great lengths to be noticed.  They also want to be seen with others they think are popular or stars, as fabulous as they are.  Exhibitionistic narcs believe everyone sees them as they do – supremely awesome!

 

Communal narcissists seem altruistic but really, they’re pursuing their need for power, admiration and superiority by presenting themselves as exceptionally caring, empathetic, and selfless, but their behavior is motivated by self-interest.  They’re actually seeking social validation rather than doing things out of genuine concern for others.  They may look saintly, brag about things on social media, and have a sense of entitlement/deserving of praise.  They have a sense of moral superiority.  Often times you’ll see communal narcissists in the roles of helping professions, PTS members or community groups, non-profit organizations and charities and religious organizations.  Their goal is to be considered the most caring or helpful person.

 

Antagonistic narcissists are typically easy to spot.  They must be number one.  They’re highly competitive, even at the most trivial of games.

 

Somatic narcissists are obsessed with their body, weight and physical appearance.  “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all.  Me!”

 

Cerebral narcissists feel superior by trying to make others feel unintelligent.  Parents may shame or criticize their children for being stupid so they can make themselves feel smarter.  They may try to sabotage others out of jealousy so they don’t get intellectually surpassed.

 

Vindictive narcissists get revenge on the person they are hurt by.  They can’t handle disagreements, rejections and perceived criticisms.  Common reactions include smear campaigns, threats, acts of rage, punishment such as verbal or physical abuse, and blackmail.

 

Malignant narcissists are those who are sadistic and aggressive.  These narcs can be emotionally and physically abusive and completely lack empathy.  Past this are psychopaths and sociopaths.

 

 

But This Person Seems So Caring….

 

I know.  Sometimes it’s hard to believe that someone who seems so darn nice is actually not really a genuinely nice person.

 

When you look at them closely, though, a narcissistic person’s appearance of being caring is conditional and transactional.  In truth, they lack genuine empathy and altruism because what they’re doing isn’t really about others; it’s to benefit themselves. 

 

Generosity may be performed to create a positive image.  Helpfulness can be motivated by a sense of control or superiority, and not out of real love or sincerity or what is in the other person’s best interest.  Making you laugh isn’t about making YOU feel good, it’s about THEM being considered hilarious.

 

When a narcissist’s needs stop being met, the darker part of them tends to emerge.

 

Someone genuinely cares for you when they support your needs even when it doesn’t directly benefit them.  Healthy relationships are based on reciprocal giving and taking.  Self-sacrifice, true unconditional giving, and love never come with an invoice.

 

 

Oh My Gosh!  Am I A Narcissist?!

 

Sometimes when we’re in a narcissist’s orbit, we are convinced that we are the selfish ones.  We are the ones with the problem.  Narcs have a way of making us think everything is our fault, something we did or didn’t do.

 

A self-reflective person wonders what they’ve done wrong, wants to make it right become a better version of themselves because they do no want to be inconsiderate.  Non-narcs respect the boundaries, feelings, needs, priorities and schedules of others.

 

If you can truly put others’ needs before your own without any benefit for yourself, most likely, you’re not a narcissist.  If you can be happy for others when they are thriving and not feel irritated that they have the limelight, you’re probably not a narcissist.

 

Healing from being in a relationship with a narcissist takes time because it really makes you question yourself and mistrust others.  It’s also easy to get sucked back in.   It also makes you wonder about your radar and can there truly be something called “real love.”

 

 

The Narcissist – Empath Relationship

 

The empath-narcissist dynamic is a toxic connection.  Here’s how the story goes.

 

Empaths are naturally inclined to help and support others.  Loving individuals, they find deep satisfaction in making others feel happy. 

 

A narcissist craves admiration and attention.  They blossom with the empath’s devoted and supportive attention.  Requiring constant admiration, an ardent empath draws from their deep well and a Cinderella period begins.

 

Initially the narcissist love bombs the empath and gives them an intense, idealized version of themselves, pouring out love to an intoxicating degree.  They’re so charming and romantic, the most gracious person who sees so much beauty in the empath!  The empath responds with feelings of euphoria and pours his emotions into the relationship.

 

Over time, things become one-sided.  Insightfully or not, the narcissist exploits the empath’s patience and kindness.  Manipulation in the forms of things such as guilt, gaslighting which keeps the empath on the hook.  The narc resists accountability for her actions, often playing the victim and projecting blame onto the empath.

 

Over time, the empath becomes drained, feeling anxious and confused.  His self-worth becomes tied to his ability to please the narc.  He starts to lose his sense of self, neglects his own needs, feels depleted and experiences a loss of identity.  He may also find himself making excuses for the narc’s behavior and hide the unhealthy behavior from others.  And then the narc’s shark’s teeth clamp down. 

 

Alternatively, things end because the narc finds a shinier new victim that gives them a more satisfying sense of self-importance.  Then the empath is discarded and sometimes crushed as a result, feeling worthless.

 

 

Tactics Narcs Use To Create and Maintain A Trauma Bond

 

In order to keep an empath close, a narc uses a cycle of manipulation that erodes the empath’s self-esteem and creates a trauma bond.

 

Love bombing typically happens in the beginning of a relationship, showering the empath with excessive praise, adulation, attention and affection.  The empath feels like they found their perfect match.  This creates a strong emotional bond. 

 

Over time, this intensity downgrades to breadcrumbing. The narc gives small inconsistent amounts of affection and attention which keeps the empath hoping for the initial intensity to return. I call this “bleeding for crumbs.”

 

When the empath begins to doubt their instincts about the one-sided relationship or that the narc isn’t taking responsibility for their behavior, a narc employs manipulative tactics.

 

 Shifting the blame, narcs make the empath feel guilty and responsible for the narc’s behavior and emotions. 

 

Gaslighting is employed to make an empath question their own reality, memory and sanity through denial, contradiction and misdirection. 

 

Narcissists exploit the empath’s natural kindness, making them feel obliged to fix or save the narc.  If the empath leave, the narc says they won’t be able to cope or that the empath is a bad person for leaving and should feel ashamed.  They play the victim and elicit sympathy and a more concerted caring effort from the empath. 

 

If there’s any admission of fault, the narcissist does so in a superficial way and doesn’t fully or consistently follow through.  It’s a temporary change designed to re-engage the empath and regain control.  

 

Narcs are also good at wordsmithing, saying things like “I’m sorry that you feel that way” (your feelings are the problem) instead of saying, “I’m sorry that I hurt you” (accepting responsibility).

 

Over time, the narc begins to devalue, demean and criticize the empath.  They destroy the empath’s sense of self-worth.  Sometimes this is very subtle, like withholding affection.  The effect is that the empath works harder, sometimes desperately, to seek the narc’s approval.  This creates a power differential and reinforces the narc’s control.

 

Sometimes when the empath has had enough and thinks about leaving the relationship, the narc will future fake.  False promises are made about a shared future (getting together, marriage, travel, doing that project you always wanted, buying the new home, etc.) which keeps the empath hopeful for a better tomorrow.  “Of course we will!”

 

Sometimes narcs leverage the sympathy of familiars to aid in making the empath feel bad about leaving.  These unsuspecting people are called “flying monkeys” who leverage influence over the empath, encouraging them to stay. 

 

Guilt tripping and emotional black mail are used to control the empath who has a strong sense of responsibility and guilt. 

 

Recovery

Those recovering from narc relationships can feel intense shame, a sense of being duped and of being betrayed.  A person may blame himself for the failed relationship, believing it was his fault they had problems.  Many people feel shattered when they realize that the entire relationship was a lie.

 

People can become blinded by the narc’s love bombing.  Some feel desired when the narc just can’t say no for an answer and “can’t get enough.”  There’s a lot to sort out during the healing process which typically takes a bit of time.  And when you grow through that, you’ll be a very amazing version of yourself, much healthier and better for subsequent relationships.

 

 

How Do I Heal From Being In A Narcissistic Relationship?

 

Get into therapy.  Seriously. And…

 

1.  Restore yourself.

• Regain your sense of self – What are your interests? How do you want to spend your time? Who do you want to be?  Who do you want to spend time with?
• Identify your needs – Typically when we’re in a narc relationship, we drop everything to take care of them.  It’s time to hear your inner voice again.  What do you need?
• Regain your sense of self-esteem.  People tend to come out a bit bedraggled after a narc relationship.  No matter what you were convinced of, you are a wonderful human, flaws and all.  Time to feel good about yourself again. 

2.  Establish healthy boundaries.

• Boundaries are our limits that reflect our self-worth, what we feel comfortable with and what we need in order to feel peaceful and whole.
• What are your limits?
• What are your triggers?
• What are your needs?
• Cut ties completely with people who are abusive.  Set up limits with those who are disrespectful of your limits.

3.  Cultivate a supportive environment around yourself. 

• Work with a therapist.
• Learn about narcissism to understand what happened to you and to learn about red flags to look out for in the future.
• Connect with supportive people in your life, those healthy relationships built on mutual respect and trust.        

4. Be compassionate with yourself.

• Healing takes time.
• Learn to trust your instincts again.
• Self-care.  Self-care.  Self-care.
• Realize that healthy love exists and is worth finding.  You deserve to be cherished.

 

I hope this article inspires you to get an appointment with a therapist and start your healing journey. 

 

All my best,

Gera