Sometimes Love Means Letting Go

Once upon a time, a girl fell in love with a boy who wasn’t ready for a relationship yet.  It wasn’t that he didn’t like her – he did.  His life was akimbo, and he wasn’t ready.  He wasn’t open to love.

An emotional albatross, she didn’t understand.  She tried to convince him of something he wasn’t ready for.  She chased him with her love.  Thankfully, she eventually realized how selfish she’d been by not giving him space to heal.  Boy did she feel rotten about that.

Because she loved him, she quietly backed away and let him go, praying that it wasn’t too late and that she didn’t ruin the potential for a future between them.

I think it’s interesting that in the story of Alladin, the Geenie specifies that he has limitations on his power.  One thing he cannot do is make anyone fall in love with anyone else.

Once upon a time, I fell in love with my amazing friend.  Head over heels in love.  He started to fall in love with me, too, but came to realize that he wasn’t ready.  Carts and horses were all around and had to be placed in order.

My fear and panic of losing him reared up fiercely, proportional to the love and loyalty I felt for him.  Also, out of a widow’s fear of losing another man she loved, I was scared of him going away.  All this made me deaf to his gentle, tender-handed asks of needing space.  I was a deaf idiot and didn’t abide.  Once it dawned on me (like with a 2x4), I saw things clearly.  The answer was simple: “Love him.”

I had to learn this lesson.  If I really, truly loved him, I’d take my own desires and dreams out of his equation.  I would not chase him.  He needed space.  Loving him meant letting him go. 

Love is never about force.  Love is a gift to be received, not taken.  It unfolds in its own time.  I know that.  Whatever is meant to be will eventually be.  My loving desire has always been for what is best for him, even if that means it’s not with me.

Minds clamber for resolution.  That’s why I need space to be alone, too. 

“Radical acceptance” means accepting the reality that this situation may remain unresolved.  Or that he doesn’t love me. Or that sometimes people are caught in spaces adjacent to but not fully in love.  Or that even though people can respect me and really like me, their feelings will never blossom into the kind of love I wish it would become.  Or that  some people avoid speaking their truth because they’re uncomfortable with big feelings.  Or that maybe love will come in time, but that is out of everyone’s control.  There’s an infinite number of maybes.  So... let the maybes go.

Radical acceptance means regardless of my feelings, regardless of my prayers or hope, he is not (and may never be) open to loving me.  I will continue to make myself suffer unless I come to an acceptance of this.  My suffering is my own doing.  I can not control my sadness about this either, and must accept that I will learn to walk with this grief.

Hope is a double-edged sword.  I will let the door of hope remain open, yet I cannot stand at its threshold any longer.  Not only must I walk away for his sake, but I must also walk away for mine.

The obvious loving choice is deeply loving him.  That means putting what he needs first in my heart and back it up with action.  I will loyally stand by this man whom I deeply love. 

And right now, that means letting him go.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."   

          - John 15:13