Shedding Fleas

It was miserable. Somehow all four of my dogs caught fleas.  I’m not sure if was due to the summer abundance outside or a trip to the vet, but it was absolutely miserable.  Every cushion, mattress and piece of cloth furniture in the house had to be treated. The carpets were infested.  Everything had to be flea treated.  My scalp itches as I write this, feeling buggy just thinking about it.  It was a costly and time consuming process, but eventually we overcame it. 

There’s a saying, “If you lie down with dogs, you will rise up with fleas.”  If you hang out with unsavory people, their bad behavior can rub off on you.  And you can catch their fleas.

Unknowingly, there are unhealthy behaviors or coping mechanisms that we adopt when we are in an unhealthy relationship.  These are survival adaptations, and not a permanent alteration of your personality. As you heal from the relationship, you’ll start to shed your fleas.  It may be time consuming, but eventually you can overcome it.

Sub-Species of Fleas

Reactive fleas are visible when you respond to people with automatic defensive reactivity.  When pushed to the brink, you might snap, shout or use manipulation to get your point across, even when it’s not warranted.

Survival conditioning fleas evolve because the only way you got your needs met in an unpredictable environment was to internalize the unhealthy person’s behaviors.  Things like interrupting, using the silent treatment and projecting blame fall under this subspecies.

Constantly being gaslit or lied to can cause you to become overly suspicious or distrusting.  Hyper-vigilant fleas incite defensiveness and lashing out in order to protect your feelings. 

When you enter into a new relationship, some of the fleas may accompany you even if your new partner is healthy.  Your behavior is the result of a type of conditioning you went through during the time you spent with your former unhealthy partner.  It will take some time and effort to overcome.  But the damage can be reversed.

When you begin to heal from an unhealthy relationship, and you realize that you have a case of fleas, you may worry that you’ve become an unhealthy person, too, and are irreparably damaged.  Fleas are a residue, though, not a structural change in your personality. You will retain your natural capacity for empathy, self-reflection and genuine humility.  Fleas are ego-dystonic, meaning these unsavory behaviors will make you feel shame, guilt and distress.  This is actually how you know that your baseline character is pretty healthy.  Your remorse is evidence that you're not an unhealthy person; you’ve just taken on some defensive behavior that you have to take some time to shed.

How to De-Flea Yourself

1.  Radical self-awareness entails acknowledging the toxic habits you’ve picked up without self-condemnation.  When you catch yourself with a flea, pause and correct your behavior.
2. Radical acceptance and grief means that you must accept that the unhealthy relationship left its indents.  Allow yourself to grieve the way it forced you to compromise your own character.
3. Create firm boundaries in all your relationships so you no longer need to rely on defensive or manipulation tactics to feel safe.
4. Consider therapy.  It is possible to unlearn these undesirable coping mechanism and replace them with healthy, assertive communication.

If you wake up in the morning and think to yourself, “I don’t like how I have become since being with So-And-So,” then take some time to reflect and schedule an appointment with a therapist. We can help you get rid of those pesky fleas!

Gera McGuire, MA, NCC, LMHC, is a specialized mental health counselor serving the Maple Valley and Enumclaw Plateau communities, as well as clients throughout Washington and Montana via telehealth. 

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for therapy.  It is not a guide to diagnose any mental health conditions.

If you are healing from an unhealthy relationship and think you've got a case of fleas, please contact Gera to set up an appointment.