Emotional Coregulation

    High up on my bucket list is a trip to Praia du Norte in Nazaré, Portugal.  Surfers from all over go there to ride some of the largest waves in the world, surreal behemoths which have been recorded at over 80 feet tall.  Presently, 93.72 feet tall is the provisional measurement of the highest surfed wave, tamed in 2024 by Sebastian Steudtner.  The grandeur and force is nothing short of remarkable.

      The waves certainly impress me.  What is equally impressive to me is the little, red lighthouse that stands on the shore at The Fort of São Miguel Arcanjo (Saint Michael The Archangel).  Despite the relentless crashing waters and the blustery winds, with a height of only 26 feet, this structure stands tall, consistently shining at a reliable interval.  Unflappable.

     What it reminds me of is parenting teenagers.  Guess who the massive waves pummeling the lighthouse are in that analogy?

What is Coregulation: Borrowing Calm

      While at the airport, I observed a little girl about three years old who was besides herself upset.  A meltdown was in progress – tears falling, snot dropping, ears reddening.  She was a complete mess, afraid of flying.  Thankfully, her mother knew just what to do.

      With loving reassurance, the mother stooped down to her daughter’s level and looked her in the eyes.  Calm words of care and concern were given along with a big hug and a gentle rubbing of the hair and back.  The little girl’s cries morphed into snivels and she began to calm down, relaxing into the arms of her mother.

      Mom didn’t try to convince her daughter out of her experience.  She didn’t shame her little girl for the loud demonstration of emotion in a public place.  Mom provided her space and allowed her daughter to sit in her valid feelings. With compassionate reassurance, her mother would be there with her through it all.  Mom stood tall like a lighthouse.

      Coregulation is about providing a reliable, supportive environment where the other person feels safe enough to let down their defenses and process their vulnerability.  This deescalates emotion and helps an upset person return to a more equanimous state.  It’s not possible to prevent others from experiencing pain or suffering, but it is sometimes possible to influence them and help their nervous systems regulate.

When Someone Slips Through The Ice

     Growing up in the back yard of Lake Erie, I was lucky to go ice skating on Misery Bay in the winters of my childhood.  Adults cautioned us what to do before our blades even left the car.  If someone falls through the ice, do NOT run over to lift them out.  The ice will continue to break and then both of you will fall through.  You must grab a branch, a board, or a rope, and toss it to them while you stay on thick, stable ice or firm ground.  Then you can pull them out to safety, cover them in a wool blanket, and get them back home to dry off and warm up.

      I explain to my clients that when someone is emotionally flailing in ice water, do not jump in with them.  Instead, be steady and grounded so you can emotionally anchor them.  “Oh my gosh!  No he didn’t!”  and “Holy cow!  That’s so awful!!” may sound supportive, mirroring the sentiments of the distressed person.  However, your demonstrative emotional responses may put you in the perilous ice water, too. 

       What they need is for you to keep calm.  Stay on the shore and throw them a different line.  “I am here with you.  I can see why you’re upset.  What can I do to help you right now?”  This stance moves the dysregulated person to the present moment, out of the icy waters of a reactive state to a reflective one.

Let’s Go To The Movies: Examples of Coregulation

      There’s a scene in the movie “Shrek” when Donkey has a panic attack.  He must negotiate a rickety bridge suspended over molten lava.  Shrek demonstrates the solid, calm support that Donkey needs to steel himself and move forward. “I’m right here beside you,” Shrek reassures him. “We’ll just tackle this thing together, one little baby step at a time.”  Borrowing some calm from Shrek, Donkey starts to make his way across the crevasse.  (The second half of the bridge walk?  Well, Shrek uses a different tactic…)

      Another scene that comes to mind regarding coregulation is from the movie “Good Will Hunting.”  Matt Damon’s character, Will, is stifling repressed emotions that start to break free, unraveling him into an emotional display.  His therapist, Sean (Robin Williams), calmly repeats a persistent message of safety to anchor Will: “It’s not your fault.”  By remaining quiet, calm, and emotionally regulated, Will is able to release his emotions in a safe, supportive context.  Processing his feelings and receiving authentic validation help him come back to center and begin to work through his issues.

      In the movie “Anger Management,” Chuck (John Turturro) becomes triggered, thinking that his peer in group counseling, Dave (Adam Sandler), is mocking him.  Dave and the therapist, Buddy (Jack Nicholson), remain calm as Chuck approaches Dave to punch his lights out.  Staying calm contributes to Chuck’s fight or flight system standing down.  After some intense moments of impending doom, Chuck ultimately refrains from going completely crazy on Dave.  “Goosefraba,” Chuck says, the mantra which Buddy teaches the group to remind them to take a breath, think things through, and maintain emotional control.

How To Help Someone Coregulate:  Be The Lighthouse

      Big caveat incoming here before I get going farther into this topic.  If someone is verbally or physically abusive, if you suspect they are dangerous, you should not remain in their presence.  This article is not regarding the abusive type of person.  Remove yourself from the situation if possible, and, if necessary, contact 911 for police or mental health intervention.

     Some people may not be responsive to anyone trying to help them.  Hyperreactivity may occur as a result of a past or present trauma.  Perhaps the dysregulated person has a personality disorder that resists coregulation. An individual may want to stay in their heightened state despite your best Good Samaritan efforts.  You may not be able to help these individuals and must disengage.

      Some people, however, may respond favorably to a lighthouse of support.  If a distraught person is in need of a rock of stability while they deescalate, here are some tips that may help you provide some support to get them on the path of emotion regulation.

     First, reach a state of calm yourself.  Stabilize your nervous system by taking a moment to breathe and lower your heart rate.  Shift out of fix-it mode and into grounded listener mode.

      Then, observe the emotion you see without judgement.  Sometimes what you think is anger is really fear.  Sometimes it’s shame.  Take a closer look.

      Acknowledge that the feeling is real and significant to them.  “It’s ok for you to be upset right now.  I get it.  It makes sense.”  People want to be seen and understood.

      Depending on your relationship to the person and their consent for touch, you may be able to sit next to them, put your arm around them, hold their hand, or rub their back.  Making tender eye contact can also help.  Sometimes I cradle my daughter’s face in my hands and have her look into Mommy’s eyes.  “Mama’s got you,” is what I repeat calmly and in a few minutes she begins to regulate. 

      Give them the shelter of an emotionally safe space.  Make it a comfortable for the person to sit in the emotion until they are ready to move forward.  It may take a few minutes for the storm to calm.  By giving them space, it’s implied that what they are going through is valid.

      Provide genuine reassurance.  “I am here.  What do you need?”  Some people are able to communicate this to you, but be prepared for a potential emotional response, or an “I don’t know.”  To that you can reply, “That’s ok. I’m here with you.”  Sometimes sitting in silence is what they need, with no pressure to talk, just having someone present.

      If someone is on the verge of a panic attack, or already in full panic, you can help them to regulate their breathing.  Ask them to breath in synchronicity with your cadence.  Engage in box breathing:  inhale for 4 beats through the nose; hold it for a count of 4; exhale through the mouth for 4; then pause for 4.  Repeat.  Synchronized breathing can help them deescalate since oxygen can be deprioritized from the fight or flight system of the prefrontal cortex which allows them to think instead of react.

      Humor, an example of cognitive change, has been shown to be an effective emotion regulation strategy. Specifically, positive, good-natured humor has been shown to effectively up-regulate positive emotion and down-regulate negative emotion.   You have to be able to read the room, however, for the comedic timing to work.  If in doubt, save the hilarity for a better opportunity because you don’t want to minimize their experience or chance they take it the wrong way.  Know your audience.

Who’s Responsibility Is It?

      One thing we teach about boundaries is that others’ emotional responses are not our responsibility. True.  Everyone is responsible for the management of their own emotions and how they respond to them.  Part of emotional maturing is learning how to regulate one’s own nervous system and steer towards the port of calm. 

      However, we were not designed to exist in a world of individuals. 

      Humans are biologically and evolutionarily designed to live in social groups.  It is necessary to have cooperation for protection, hunting, raising children, survival and for shelter.  Strong social bonds are vital for longevity and mental health.  Social interaction is not a preference, it is a fundamental need.

      Empathy is a trait that has evolved as the foundation for cognitive functioning in humans.  Mothers demonstrate a sympathetic concern for the needs of their offspring, responding to signals of distress, ensuring survival.  This infant-caregiver synchronicity becomes the template for all later forms of empathy.  As humans evolved, reciprocal altruism became essential for survival.  “You help me; I’ll help you.”  Tribes that demonstrated cooperation could more effectively hunt and protect their members. 

      Empathy is the capacity to sense another’s state and we can use this ability to provide balance to those in need.  Empathic connection triggers the release of the bonding hormone, oxytocin, which lowers the stress hormone cortisol and facilitates the soothing effects of coregulation.  Theorists state that we have specialized neurons called “mirror neurons” which activate when we experience an emotion and when we observe emotions in others.  This creates a neural bridge that allows a calm individual to model a regulated state for someone who is dysregulated, who responds by unconsciously imitating the calmness.  Brain waves and heart rates align, transitioning the person to a state of calm.  Stronger together.

Dysfunction: When Coregulation Goes Bad

      Things become unhealthy when a person who emotionally dysregulates blames another person for their feelings and actions.  “If you wouldn’t have made me mad, I wouldn’t have…”  An example of this would be a parent blaming a child’s misbehavior for getting spanked.  The parent chose how to express their dysregulated emotions.  Reacting versus responding to emotions is a person’s own responsibility, not the responsibility of the trigger.  When an individual attributes a person’s emotional response as their fault, boundaries have blurred.

      And as I pointed out earlier, if a person becomes so volatile that they become physically and/or emotionally abusive, it’s not ok.  It’s also not healthy to continually sacrifice your peace and mental health for someone who refuses to take ownership of their emotions.  Some of us grew up in environments where coregulation was necessary for safety and we learn how to not overstep boundaries and take responsibility for others’ behaviors and emotional responses.

     When an unhinged friend repeatedly calls you at 3:00am for reassurance every weekend and you allow or encourage it, the relationship is a codependency.  People need to develop emotional regulation skills for their personal well being and not depend on others to provide that. If you’re always the rock with whom everyone dysregulates, and no one is really there for you, you need to look at who you are surrounding yourself with.  It’s a great topic to bring into therapy.

Because Nerds Enjoy Their Research: A Rabbit Hole’s Discovery About Lighthouses and Waves

     One of the tallest lighthouses in the world is from my neck of the woods and I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve never seen it.  On Lake Erie at Put-in-Bay, Ohio, The South Bass Island stands 352 feet high.  Waves in Lake Erie can crest around 30 feet, so this lighthouse will look formidable compared to the puny waves. 

     My hometown has the distinction of hosting the very first U.S. light house on the Great Lakes.  The Erie Land Lighthouse on Presque Isle was built in 1818.  It is no longer in use.   

      The connection between the two locations is that during The War of 1812, Commander Oliver Hazard Perry was in charge of the U.S. naval fleet in Lake Erie. Ships, including two corvettes, schooners, a clipper schooner, and snows were built at the sheltered bay at Presque Isle in Erie.  The sandbar that protects the bay prevented the British ships from entering, providing an ideal location for ship building.  To move a new vessel out to the lake waters, barges were used to hoist the ship up which was then pulled out by the anchor (kedging). 

     During the War of 1812, Perry led the fleet from Presque Isle to Put-in-Bay where the Battle of Lake Erie was fought in September 1813.  The U.S. Navy defeated the British Royal Navy which gave us control of the lake for the remainder of the war. 

     If you’d like to view one of Perry’s ships, the USS Niagara is a wooden-hulled snow that remains docked behind the Erie Maritime Museum in Erie.  During the summer she can be seen traveling around the Great Lakes.

     Oh, and the largest wave ever recorded was in Alaska as a result of a megatsunami in 1958.  An earthquake that registered 7.8 created a 1,720 foot high wave.  Ok, I’m done nerding out on you… for now!

Disclaimer:  This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for therapy.  If you are struggling with emotion regulation or a close friend or family member who relies on you for support, schedule an appointment with a qualified mental health professional who can assist you.  The lighthouse pictured at the top of the article is a stock image and I'm not sure where it's at but it's not the one in Portugal that I'm talking about or the ones on Lake Erie.