Away Away

    It’s not a bad feeling, that desire to have “me time.”  (There are no “bad” feelings.)  It’s a signal that there are some needs we have that require some extra attention.  Sometimes in order to hear our inner voice, to turn down the volume of the noise around us, we need to be alone.  In my life, I refer to it as needing to go “Away Away.”

      Away from the house and the dog.  Away from the kids and the housework.  Away from my friends, my work, the frogs. Far away from all the things that press me for energy.  It’s difficult to tune into what my body and mind need when I focus heartily on others.  I can become so out of tune with myself that I even forget to drink water, so I set alarms on my phone to remind me… if I remember to set the alarms.

      Sometimes I can’t get Away Away, but I can get to bed earlier or gift myself time from responsibilities for a few hours.  If it’s possible, I spend time away from my house where there’s not a chore or “ask” in sight.  I go for a long walk, or have breakfast at my favorite local restaurant.  Sometimes I need to schedule a Half Day Away or even a few hours just to be with my thoughts or just do nothing. 

      And then there are times that I truly need a big amount of time to myself – Away Away.  For me, Away Away means being out of reach from others so that I can hear myself for an extended period of time.  It’s not always a predictable need, but I’ve learned that giving myself the gift of a break is an investment in the energy I need to summon for the coming months.  It’s not a luxury; it’s a necessity.

      It’s not selfish to need time away.  As a busy solo mom, it took me a long time to learn this. Many people express to me that they’re needed for their children, those they caretake, their jobs.   It difficult to justify spending time on themselves.  To that I say this. 

      Imagine you left a loved one in the care of a dedicated nurse who didn’t take breaks, someone who worked 18-hour shifts seven days a week with no vacation or sick time.  A person who didn’t focus on eating well or resting up and was constantly running on empty.  That wouldn’t be ethical, would it?  Quality of care for patient would suffer, and obviously the nurse would be suffering, too.  When you focus on others to the exclusion or your physical and mental health, it’s self-abandonment.  It’s a recipe for burn out for you and you will certainly not give those you love the best of you.

      So, Away Away with you! 

Why Being Alone For Awhile Is Important

      Every change and challenge we face is interpreted as stress to our nervous system.  We’re in an almost constant state of decision making, from what we eat, when we rest and what we do with our time.  One cannot be calm and stressed at the same time.  In order to arrive at a calmer state, decreasing some demands on our attention is necessary.  Emotional reactivity and our fight or flight system dial up when we’re activated.  When we’re alone, our brains can process emotions and engage in self-reflection without external judgement or pressure.  Having this time alone also boosts our creativity, provides mental clarity, and improves our focus.  Have I sold you on the concept yet?

How Do You Know When You Need A Break?

     My personal experience, and the experiences that I hear from others, is that burn out and losing touch with yourself creeps up on you.  You think you’re managing it until clearly you’re not.  Below is a list of things that may tip you off that you’re beyond ready for a break.

• Feeling more irritable than usual; being snappy or short tempered
• Things that don’t typically bother you now do
• The desire to isolate yourself from others, not talk on the phone, just want time alone instead of being social
• Having low energy and experiencing an increase in procrastination
• When it’s been awhile since you did something for yourself
• When the things that typically bring you joy (hobbies, spending time with friends and family, etc.) feeling blasé, boring or overwhelming
• Your sleeping and eating patterns have changed in either direction: eating more or less than normal, sleeping more or less than normal
• Experiencing decision fatigue
• Experiencing body fatigue
• Your empathy reserves are feeling dry and you’re not as understanding or compassionate as you usually are

How To Practice Solitude

      You don’t have to go completely Thoreau.  All you need is to increase some time intentionally devoted to solitude.  Schedule some regular time for yourself to rest, recharge and reflect.  If you’re able to incorporate a bit of “me time” into your weekly lifestyle, it should help stave off bigger bursts of burnout. 

• Don’t overcommit your time so you have space to take time for yourself
• Delegate tasks to others to provide some time in your schedule for you
• A little can go a long way – 10 minutes of quiet stretching, a peaceful cup of tea before the rest of the house wakes up, a short walk in the evening when you get home from work
• Is it possible to give yourself a half day without work or responsibilities?  Clock out of work 2 hours early?  Play hookie on a day that the kids are in school?
• Unplug from devices and put boundaries around them.  They can be part of the distracting noise that prevents you from hearing yourself.  Surrounding yourself with media input avoids solitude.
• If you consume a lot of media at night, substitute an analog clock in your bedroom. Set an old school alarm and leave your phone on silent at least 2 rooms away for the evening if possible.
• Create an area of the house to be a sanctuary.  She shed.  Man cave.  Craft closet.  Couch in front of the fireplace.  A master bedroom free of clutter.  Hammock in the backyard.
• Discover a solo hobby, such as hitting some balls at the driving range, reading, or painting.  Explore an endeavor that gives you an opportunity to focus on something by yourself without distractions.  Not only can this help you unwind, you can also get more accustomed to being alone if solitude bothers you.
• Let your mind go.  Just observe.  No problem solving or listening.  Watch fish swim in an aquarium or the birds fly between trees.  Even doing a mundane task like folding towels, running the vacuum cleaner or wiping down windows can downshift your brain into a less active gear.
• Journaling (says every counselor ever!).  Slowing your mind down enough to process your thoughts is important to really know what’s going on in your mind.
• Engage in some independent activities, such as eating out alone, taking a walk, watching a movie, going on a road trip. 

An Ounce of Prevention Is Worth Weeks In Therapy

   Not that I don’t want to spend time with you…

    Learn how to set boundaries.  On your time.  On your mental resources.  Around your sleep.  Learn the art of saying “no” and don’t overcommit yourself.  Don’t try to meet everyone’s expectations or hopes. I know that this can be difficult.  In therapy we discuss ways to set boundaries that respect a person while also respecting those they care about.  Setting boundaries helps you from running your well dry quickly.

      Here are a few tricks I try.

Time blocking.  I highlight times in my calendar (yes, I still use paper) in a dedicated color that signifies personal time.  I try to allot time each week for things like massage, exercise, writing, etc.. It is blocked off as non-negotiable which helps me prioritize my self-care.  My oldest sister does a version of this for herself by claiming Sundays for herself, not obligating or planning anything past church on Sundays.  She lets the day spontaneously unfold on its own. 

Put work in its place.  A client of mine recently told me that there’s a Japanese term, karoshi, that means “death by overwork.”  Unfortunately I see overload like this in my practice, which can result in ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks and/or strokes from working in a chronically stressful environment.   Make sure every day starts and ends with you in mind and a good dose in the middle. 

Prioritize.  Someone recently told me that their only “me time” occurred if they could stay awake after they put the kids to bed.  The order of operations was not correct.  We worked through the mental and logistical stumbling blocks so they could find time in their weekly routine to care for self as well.

Hard stops.  No phone at the dinner table.  No checking email after a certain o’clock.  Electronics off and out of reach at least 30 minutes before you go to bed.  Place firm boundaries around your personal time.

A Journey Of A Thousand Miles

     Wouldn’t it be great if we could just stop the never-ending merry-go-round of life and get off for an extended time to reset?  I realize this is not always possible.  You can, however, claim some time for yourself.  If you can’t go Away Away, start by taking 20 minutes to yourself outside, breathing fresh air. 

      No phone.  No family. No frogs. Just you. 

      Breathe. 

      That’s a great start.

Disclaimer:  This article is for informational purposes only.  It’s not a substitute for therapy.  If you’re feeling stressed, burnt out or need a break and would like to talk to a qualified mental health therapist, give me a call.  I'm here to help.